Bringing Sexy Back

Well it's that time of month again, CD 8.  Doing things a bit different this month, we are going to see how many times we can have sex in two weeks.  Starting today.  I have am motivated and feeling very optimistic.  T is napping right now, so that we we can have some good energy later.  I am off today and tomorrow so hopefully we can have sex tonight and tomorrow, then take a day break and go back at it on the weekend.  I am drinking wine out of my "Sexy" glass tonight.  I was told that the only time I could drink out of it was during my fertility window (thanks Angie).

Tomorrow I will attempt to bake Banana Bread.  I think I finally found a recipe that I like.  Hopefully the bananas I have will be enough to make it taste good! The last time I made banana bread it was really dry and crumbly.  But, I didn't really follow the directions of the recipe.  So this time I will follow the recipe and hopefully it will turn out yummy and I will be able to take some to work, and share the yumminess.  Oh and this time I will wait until I am done baking to crack open a bottle of wine.  Last time I drank a bottle while I was making it.  That could also be why it didn't turn out to good.

After I make banana bread tomorrow, I am taking my little sister apartment shopping tomorrow, and then I am going to ULTA to use my 20% off coupon. I am so excited.  I love that store.  I'll post my makeup haul tomorrow.  And then I am going to go to Macy's and pick up an Inglot shadow.  Yep, that is what I am going to do! It's a plan! So Excited!!!

Pizza and Twilight

I haven't had much to say lately, which I guess is a good thing.  My brain has been remotely empty, and things have been going smoothly.  We are currently on CD 6 and Waiting to Ovulate (waiting to O).  I am in a good place, my brain is re-energized and I am ready for this month.  I am optimistic that this is our month, and I am praying that I can make it through this month without any tears.  My goal is to drink 2 to 3 venti cups of water a day, if not more.  I am not good at drinking water and to be honest I am lucky if I drink any water at all. 

I have never been a big baker, or a great cook.  I set off the smoke detector more often then not. T definitely didn't marry me for my cooking.  But, I have been thinking of doing some baking.  I have some bananas that are needing some bread to go in. Tonight I made a pizza, which was phenomenal! I am proud of my pizza, T liked it a lot! He ate 2 very large pieces! I bought the dough, because I was lazy and didn't feel like making it.  I used a pesto sauce, lots and lots of cheese, chicken, green onion, red pepper, and some seasoning.  It was pretty good.  I didn't look pretty but dang, I was impressed with my pizza ability.

I was so mad when I realized that I forgot the bacon and artichoke hearts.  That was the part I was so excited about and then I forgot! I guess I will have them for the next time I make pizza, which if T has a say will be this week!

T and I went to my parents house last night for dinner.  It was a good time.  Mom and I shared a bottle of red wine.  Mom wasn't sure if she would like it since she doesn't like red wine, but I took over Yellow Tail Sweet Red Roo.  She liked it, and I must say, it's pretty good stuff. It isn't as sweet as Moscato, but its a good alternative, especially with something like Italian food. It would have been really good with the pizza tonight.  I didn't move much over there, I sat on the couch with a massager on my neck.  I pinched a nerve in my neck right at my hair line.  I am definitely noticing that the older I get the longer it takes me to bounce back from any type of injury.

I don't really have much more to say, gonna start my "Twilight" marathon.  I am gonna try to get T to watch with me, but I am pretty sure I have a better chance of him chewing off his leg.  I realize these movies are totally dumb.  But I can't help it, I am sucked in.  I can't wait for the last one to come out on DVD.  I am rambling like a teenage girl right now, so I guess I will quit blabbing on and on. 

Back In The Saddle Again

CD1, yay!

I woke up this morning feeling a little crappy.  I was due any day now, so I wasn't surprised.  Right now I am curled up with a heating pad, and a glass of wine.  Mmmm, I love wine, and my heating pad.  I am so ready to start trying again.  Ready for the crazy to come back! I am all stocked up on OPK's and HTP's, really hoping that I need to use both of them this month.  After AF leaves, I told T that there was no saying no this month.  Whenever either one of us gets a hankering, we are just going to go for it.  I am actually excited for this month, which I haven't been excited in a while, so apparently this was a well needed break. 

I went to my Grandparents house today with A, and my two sisters.  It was so nice to see them.  I am always scared when I go over there to see them. I am afraid that I am going to go see them and my grandpa, who I love so very much, will not be okay.  He has fallen many times over the last few years.  And the man that I thought would never fall, is now wheelchair ridden.  Now granted, he is over 90 and is still quick minded and witty.  His mind is still sharp and he is still very, very informative.  When my oldest sister and I were growing up, we would go to my grandparents house every summer.  We learned to cook, garden, and golf.  My grandpa taught us how to golf at a very young age.  It's one of my favorite past times.  I grew up listening to Hank Jr., Willie Nelson, Patsy Cline, and Tammy Wynette.  I would wake up to the smell of breakfast and my grandma whistling along to the music in the kitchen. 

I have pictures to load when my computer decides it wants to cooperate.  A picture of my grandpa holding a trophy in the 1940's and then a picture of the trophy itself.  Which was sent to him from Arlington High School.  I also have a picture of him in the Navy that I want to share.  But, unfortunately, my computer is being dumb.  I am looking forward to going back to there house in March for his birthday.  And then this summer I want to take T up to the golf course that I learned how to golf on, and show him all the places that we called home when we were kids.  I love it up there, and I miss it terribly.  When we go, I will remember to take a lot of pictures, so that way I can always remember it. 

Here we go! The pictures! I took pictures of them when we were visiting today! I think they turned out good!

I am very proud of my grandpa.  He will always be a hero to me! Grandpa is the one in the upper left hand corner.

Chocolate Frosting

Hallelujah!!! We have water! The plumber came today! Was here for a hour!  A freaking hour! You mean you couldn't have taken care of this a hour after it happened? Come on already! The pipe was pretty gross, T opened up the crawl space, and showed me.  It's pretty darned nasty.  All sorts of gunck in there, all cakey and nasty.  They left all their crap down there though, which kinda ticked me off, its not our crap! Take it with you! But, again, I don't really care because it's under the house, and it's their crap!

Other then that, nothing new to report here.  I think we start trying again next month.  I don't miss the anticipation.  I have been watching Glee since I got home.  This show makes me cry.  I don't know why I love this show so much.  It makes me think of all the things I didn't do.  It makes me think of all of the opportunities that I have missed out on.  I still enjoy singing like crazy.  But, I don't think I will ever be a star like I thought I would be when I was younger.  I think I am pretty much always going to be the same girl I was when I was younger, except for now I am going to be old.  Yay for being old.  I don't regret any choices that I have made, I just wish I would have had more guts!

I ate chocolate frosting today.... as a snack.  I think I may be going crazy! It was so good.  I guess I can just chalk that up to AF coming.   I'm a little scared, not of AF coming, because I know it's coming since we didn't try this last month.  But, I am scared to try next month.  I am afraid of the roller coaster that comes with it.  The constant thinking about it, feeling like I am going crazy.  I feel like I will be alright next cycle but I am second guessing myself.  I know I shouldn't do that but I really think that maybe I need another month.  Did I give up? I don't think so, but I don't know if I am ready to start again.  I know that it has been nice to not have to think about the month, and signs and all the crazy that comes with TTC.  I am not sure if I need another month of that, or if I am in fact just scared.

 

Keep Calm and Buy Nail Polish

This is so freakin stupid!! We noticed our grey water pipe was broken on Monday, how is it not fixed yet? Five days later? Come on already! Not only have I had to do laundry at my mothers, but I also had to shower at my sisters yesterday. It's just getting ridiculous. So anyways, the plumber showed up today for like 5 minutes, asked if he could get through the floor in the kitchen, which you can't, and then left and said he would be back tomorrow morning at 10am. Hopefully, he shows up and doesn't try to go through our kitchen floor, cause that will just be a huge freakin mess.

Anyhoo, I went to see my sister yesterday, and got to spend the whole afternoon with A. I am amazed on how much she grows, and how much energy she has. She is constantly running around telling me chase her, so I would chase her and start tickling her until she couldn't breathe anymore. We laughed until we were crying and snorting.  We snort when we laugh hard. That is one thing that she got from me. She gets a lot from me, even though I am not her mom. She is a good kid though, really funny.  This is what keeps me going.

We went shopping yesterday at ULTA, pretty much the best store EVER! I always spend money when I go there, which doesn't make T to happy, but I enjoy it! I always have coupons and I always get good deals, so I don't see what the big deal is! I exchanged my STILA liner (the cap split). I love that liner and wear at least 4 times a week.  That and my Naked pallet are my go to makeup items. I also got some random cheapie shadows that I can't wait to mix with my Inglot Duraline.  Its going to make some pretty awesome eyeliner.  I also got some pretty nail polish, a bright orange and a pretty teal color.  I didn't really need the polish but they were on clearance, and I don't have anything like them.  T hates my finger nail polish collection.  But its always growing.

I am still anxiously awaiting the arrival of my period. I am ready to start trying again, and think that with a clear mind we will be able to move forward with a little less crazy and a little more fun. As much as I regret not trying this month, I am glad that we didn't, for my sanity and T's. I have about a week before the "lovely Aunt Flo" arrives, so I guess I will be waiting for a while. I am all prepared for the month with all my OPK's and HPT's. I am not getting to ahead of myself, but I am hoping that I will need those HPT's.  I think we are going to try to try harder, which sounds funny, that we are going to try harder.  I would just like to get more days during my Fertility Window.   But, we have said this before so I guess we will just have to put our minds to it and do it!

Frozen Pipes

So it looks like the pipe that is frozen is our gray water pipe, which means that water we use to wash dishes, do laundry, shower, and brush our teeth with is going directly under the house.  I keep telling myself that it could be worse, that the water could be in the house, or it could be black water (sewage) going under there.  That is making this a little better but it still sucks.  I had to go to my mothers house in order to do enough laundry to get us through the rest of the work week. 

We finally called the landlord yesterday, and finally today at around noon he called T back to tell us that  his normal plumber is on vacation until Friday.  That's just freakin wonderful.  Makes me all sorts of gitty on the inside.  T keeps telling me that he can fix it, but I don't believe that it is our responsibility, plus, if anything happens while he is down there then we are liable for all costs.  As you can tell, T doesn't want to have to wait until Friday for this to be dealt with and I don't blame him. But, here is what I don't understand... One, why did it take the damned landlord so long to call us back and two, as soon as he heard the words broken pipe on his voicemail, why the hell didn't he automatically send someone out. I don't care if his regular plumber is on vacation or not.  This is just plain ridiculous!

I am supposed to go to my sisters tomorrow to see A and spend some time up there with them.  Now, I am not sure if that is going to happen since I am waiting for the landlord to send someone out.  I realize that the plumber can come out by himself and get under the house himself.  That is fine, he can do that, but again, we have the cat.  I think T is going to try to leave work early so someone can be here when the plumber gets here, and to make sure that Buddy is put in the back bedroom if the landlord decides to show up with the plumber.  Here's hoping that our plumber is reliable and the work he does isn't half assed.  As far as going up to my sisters tomorrow that should happen unless we get a call from the landlord saying he will have someone out in the morning, and even if that is the case, once the guys under the house, I don't see why I need to be here.  Especially, if the guy is creepy.

Crap Balls!

Stupid cold weather!  We have a broken pipe, under the house, which means T has to get under the house, and fix it.  Hopefully, or call the landlord.  I really hope he doesn't have to call the landlord, we have a cat, and we aren't supposed to have a cat.  He is a good cat and doesn't make a mess, so I am just hoping that if he sees the cat, he won't care. Ugh! Stupid cold weather!  I guess this is just one more thing to challenge us.  I wish we would quit being challenged already.  I am tired, Tom is tired, hell, I even think the cat is tired.  I just want things to be simple for us, without so much crap going on.  I know that isn’t the way that things work.  What makes all of this worse, T is really sick he has some sort of chest and throat thing. 

Other than that stuff, I don’t really have much to say, my brain is pretty empty.  At least until I lay down. 

Tomorrow morning, I have to run to Target, get cat litter, vacuum up the cat litter around the house, and hope and pray.  I knew I shouldn’t have turned on the water, but I was so afraid the pipes would freeze.  And then the one night that I don’t turn on the water, guess what happens?  That’s right! The pipe froze!  Stupid cold weather!  You suck!!

Relief

I am relieved that we aren’t trying this month, and I kind of feel bad about that.  I guess I didn’t realize how crazy I was until we actually took the time to take a break.  I feel like next month we will both be refreshed and ready to start again. 

I am also glad that we aren’t trying because both of us are sick again.  T has a bug that is making him feel bad and I am all sorts of nauseous.  Its super fantastic, let me tell ya.  I didn’t sleep well last night, for some odd reason I couldn’t get my brain to shut off.  Which made today an outrageously long day, I can definitely see myself sleeping all day tomorrow.

I never thought I would put this in a blog, and I definitely don't ever expect anyone to read this, but, I think it will help me deal with the fact that at some point, we are going to have to get help getting pregnant.  And when that time comes, I will continue to document our journey.

I hate it when T gets sick.  I never know if it’s because he is actually sick or if it is because his blood pressure is high.  He doesn’t communicate too well when he is sick, so it kind of hard to decipher.  It is kind of like talking to a kid… “What hurts?” “I don’t know… everything.” “Well I can’t fix it if I don’t know what is wrong with you, so when you figure it out, let me know.”

It was my mom’s birthday party tonight, it was just my folks, sister, my aunt and uncle and I.  We started talking about A, and I know they wanted to ask when T and I were going to expand our family.  I felt a little pang of, not necessarily jealousy, but what was, not regret, because I don’t really regret any decisions that we have made.  Maybe a pang of yearning, I wanted to give them news, I wanted to tell them that we were expecting, I wanted to tell them that we would be pregnant soon, but alas, I can’t, because nothing is never that easy. 

I think that is the part that frustrates me the most.  I want to give A a cousin, so bad.  I want her to grow up with a cousin that is as close to her as I am with my cousins.  I think A being an only child I feel she needs another person to count on.  I guess, the farther they are in age the easier it will be for me to have a babysitter.  I guess I can think of it that way instead of the other way. 

Maybe that is my problem.  I want to give everyone else a baby.  Maybe I need to change how I think about things.  I need to think differently, everyone will have a baby when I have one.  It will happen when it does, and I can’t make it happen any faster than it is supposed to.   The TTGP gals are so wise, I don't participate as much as I would like. Just today they were telling someone that found out another friend was pregnant that just because everyone else gets pregnant before you, doesn’t mean there is one less baby in the world for you.  These are words I need to remember and repeat to myself when I am feeling down.  When I am feeling sad, or frustrated, this is what I need to remember.

I am excited for our next cycle.  I think I may be more excited about going in with a clearer head than anything else.  I am definitely thinking that by next month I will be refreshed and ready to start again.  Because I know, once we start up again, it isn’t going to be any easier than it was the first 15 cycles.  But hopefully, we will have a new plan on what we will be doing, and where we will be going.

Feeling Better

I think T and I have decided to not try this month, to give it a rest.  I just don’t feel like I am in a place to try.  I am not giving up, if anything I will reevaluate where we are next month, and go from there.   Even T says this month I am not nearly as “gung-ho” about trying.  The other day he brought it to my attention that my FB statuses have been kind of depressing.  I told him I wasn’t depressed, I was just feeling a little down.  But I am starting to feel a little better.

Another friend has said that she is in fact pregnant, which I am so happy for her.  I am feeling like I have waited too long to try to get pregnant and that mine and T’s age is definitely a factor.  T says that he thinks it him, and I think that it’s a combination of the both of us.  With his swimmers and my stupid ute.  End of March T and I will go in for testing.  I am sure that we both have factors that is making this more difficult.  But we will just have to see.  T had asked if I could just give him a couple more months of really good timing.  I said sure.

I was talking to a girl at work, telling her about writing all this stuff down on paper and that I needed to surround myself with positivity.  She agrees, she thinks its a good outlet for me, anyways I like writing all this stuff down, I think it helps.  I woke up this morning feeling better, more clearer headed.  I’m not sure if it’s the writing but it's working so I guess I will just continue to do it.  I hope this continues to work for me.  I am thinking this will at least help me sleep soundly at night, knowing that I now have an outlet for my thoughts.  If I get anything out of this I will be alright with getting more sleep out of it.  I was going to try yoga tomorrow morning but since I work so early, and I don’t dare do it in front of T, I think I will wait on it. 

So I am done peeing on sticks, I know for certain that I won’t need to pee on anything for the rest of this cycle since we aren’t going to try anyways, I now just have to find peace with the fact that we are taking this month off.  T says that we will see what the weekend brings us, since we are both off work on Saturday.  I don’t know, I guess I just feel like what is the point if we aren’t going to try to make a baby. 

 

I never realized how creepy the Alice in Wonderland movie is. It’s pretty darned creepy. Especially the cat, the Cheshire Cat. Thank goodness Buddy isn’t that creepy. I need to take my tree down soon, my Christmas tree is still up and I don’t feel like taking it down. I wish I could just put it in a box, still decorated. I took forever putting it up this year, and I still didn’t want to put it up. But Tom wanted me to put it up, so that is what we did. I used to enjoy putting up the tree every year, but this year I just didn’t have it in me.

Emptying Out My Head

I am feeling a little bit not okay today, kind of like I am running in circles and not getting anywhere.   I felt like I needed to start a blog about this journey that T and I are on.  That we have been on for what feels like forever, I know it hasn’t been forever.  I know there are some couples out there that have been on this journey for years. 

Here is a little bit of our back story:
T and I have been together since 2007.  We met at a mutual friends BBQ.  We were introduced and I shook his hand, and walked away.  I had seen in movies, where a couple meets and there is a spark when they touch, well, there was a spark.  I walked away thinking to myself "WOW, did I just feel that?" I turned to my girlfriend and told her that I wanted to know him better. We started dating and spending every minute of every day together.  In late 2008 we decided that we would move in together, which was both scary and exciting for me.  I was terrified.  In 2009, I had my IUD (Mirena) taken out and we decided we were going to wing it, just see what happens. 4 years after met in October of 2011, on a beautiful fall day, we said "I Do" in front of 100 of our closest friends and family.   Married by his best friend it was pretty much perfect.  Shortly after we were married, we decided that it was time for us to start a family.  Thinking it was going to be easy, thinking that if we have sex at the right time of the month we would be pregnant quickly. This brings us to now, we have been trying now for 16 cycles, and 14 months.  Never in my mind did I think that 1 year later we would still be trying to have a child.  We use OPK's every month, to catch my LH surge, and then we have sex. This struggle has been crazy, and T has been great with it.  It has brought us closer and has made our relationship stronger.  But I'll tell ya, I would never wish this upon anyone. 

I am finding my Faith, which I didn’t know I was looking for until I found myself praying, a lot.  I am not just praying for a baby, I am praying for the girl on the board, that they will have strength for their journey.  I find myself praying for my husband, that he can find the strength to put up with my “crazy”.  I pray for my own strength, strength that when I am sad I need to keep going, I pray that I haven’t messed anything up with my choices.  I pray that I haven’t waited too long.  When in fact waiting, was exactly what I was supposed to do.  God wouldn’t give me any obstacle that I didn’t have the strength to get through.  I have to remember that. 

I just feel like I am losing hope.  The months before this one haven’t been like this.  I have no motivation to POAS to see if my lines match.   But, if I don’t POAS, then how will I know when T and I should have sex.   My lines matched today, and again I am feeling like I don’t care, but I do care.  I just don’t know if I want to do anything about it.  T is sick so I want him to just sleep and feel better. 

T and I are both going to quit smoking soon, but I don’t want to.  I feel like that is the one thing that keeps me somewhat sane.  How bad is that, I don’t even want to quit so I can have a child. I’m not even a mom yet and I’m already a terrible one.  We both just need to commit to quitting, if he does it with me then I think I can do it, and be done with it.  But, getting him to do it with me is a chore.  

So oddly enough, I am feeling a little better.  I think the writing and the wine is helping.  I did yoga for the first time ever today.  It was a nice way to start the morning.  Can’t say I will continue to do it, since again, I suck at committing to things.   I am going to try to write a little, when I am feeling down.  I think it will help me get things straight in my head and keep me from feeling like I am nuts.  Not like writing to know one is really going to help.   But, at least it’s a start.  I have plenty of time to write after T goes to bed, so I don’t see why I can’t try to clear out my head before I go to sleep.  That is what this feels like.  Emptying out my head, relieving all the stress, I like emptying out my head.  Maybe I’ll sleep better.  Doubtful, but one can hope.