I Guess I Should Update...

... though there really isn't much to update on. 

Things have been pretty bland around here.  Not much going on.  T had his follow up appointment with his heart doc.  His doc doesn't think that he has blood clots in his legs, which was fabulous news.  But his Lipids and Cholesterol  are very high, and the Dr. says that if he can't get them down, then he will have to have a procedure where they go in and get all of the buildup out of his arteries.  That makes me a little nervous.

T still has to make his appointment for an SA.  And I am waiting it out to see if I am going to get my period or if I am going to be pregnant.  I am not getting my hopes up this cycle.  With T not feeling well during half of my fertility window we only had sex once, and it was at the very beginning of my window.  So I am assuming that I will be making my appointment for my CD3 blood work, and I think there is an ultrasound in there somewhere.  We are going to try to do the HSG next month, hopefully middle of August.  I am hoping that that is something we will be able to make payments on, or maybe we can put it on a credit card.  I just don't know. 

I am finally going to get my first raise since becoming a check.  This is the raise that takes the longest, 4000 hours.  It's usually estimated to do it in 3 years, I did it a year and a half.  So in other words, I have been working my ass off and I am tried. I am going to try to get a vacation in sometime soon.  I have an Engagement Party to plan, and I am pretty much going to throw myself into it full force.  Not only because L & D deserve to have a wonderful party, but because I need a really good distraction from baby stuff.

So that is all that is going on here.  Like I said, there really isn't much to update.  Work is going to be crazy for the next two weeks.  So not looking forward to it.

Even The Positive Break Sometimes

Well, my Dr. appointment went really well.  We have a plan.  I received a referral for T which was what my main objective was.  But she also told me to wait until after my fertility window.  Which we are heading into.  After that, I will go in for CD3 blood work, and ultrasound, and then if we can afford it we will go in for an HSG.  I have to call the insurance company and see if the HSG is covered.  I am not hopeful.  If it isn't covered then it will be about 1000 dollars for both the SA and the HSG.  That makes T a little uncomfortable. 

Yesterday T called the his Dr. because his legs were hurting very bad, and there was some discoloration above his knee.  The Dr. suspects that it could be a clot caused by his medication for his cholesterol.  They want to see him at there office Saturday morning when they open at there urgent care center.  And then a follow up appointment next Friday.  He didn't ask the Dr. what he could do between now and then, if he should elevate or not.  So needless to say, I had a mild breakdown at work yesterday. 

I am exhausted. And I feel like nothing is going right.  I am not one that is always negative, but sometimes being positive is just to strenuous.  And I guess even the most positive people break.  During my mild breakdown yesterday, I was on the phone with T, I told him that I didn't feel like things would ever go our way. I was tired of the odds being stacked against us.  All I wanted was for things to go right.  He told me not to count us out so early in the game.  We can still get through this month and end up pregnant and not have to go through all of the testing.  But, I don't want to hope, I don't want to get my hopes up just to go through all the emotions when I am not.

What Is There to be Afraid Of?

Ugh.... I don't know why I am so scared.  I have my appointment on Wednesday, and I am scared.  My anxiety is bad, I am nervous, and I feel silly.  For being so scared. 

For those of you that "know me", you know I have a bad memory.  I have to write everything down, I write list for everything just to stay on track when I have a busy day.  I get distracted easily, and if I don't focus, I get lost.  So I have a list of questions to ask the Dr.  And to make sure that things get done in the right order.  This is the same Dr. that my friend and her bf used to get pregnant.  I know, because she has told me, that things are done in the right order.  I know that before she prescribes anything she will give me a referral for T to get a SA. I know that I will get my CD 3 blood work done and I will have an HSG done.  I know that if she does prescribe anything then there will be ultrasounds to make sure that I have no cyst and that I have good follicles.  I know all of this will happen, but I still have a list.  And I am still scared. 

T and I have never really had anything too easily.  We have always had to fight for us.  I am afraid this will be no different.  I am afraid of unexplained infertility.  I am afraid of IUI.  I am afraid of IVF.  But, I am more afraid of not knowing. 

So I guess for now, I just sit here and wait.  And try to stay busy.  So I don't think about my appointment.  Or about our future. 

 

Cycle 21.... Limbo

Well it looks like we won't be doing this the old fashioned way.  AF showed up today, which makes this cycle 21.  Ugh, cycle 21? What the hell? How the hell did we get here? 

Not much is going on here, I am working like a mad woman.  I am tired, and over worked, and seriously under paid.  Work has been a monster.  It's been crazy busy going into the summer season.  I am still working in three departments, but I am sure once my raise kicks in I'll get pulled from Starbucks.  Which makes me sad, I love it there.  I am going to try to sweet talk management into letting me stay there at least once a week. 

Besides work, there really isn't much else going on.  I am hoping for some sort of answers next week.  Even if it is just some sort of plan.  But until then, I'm kinda in limbo.  I don't like limbo.  It sucks.

OH!! I am going to see A tomorrow.  I am taking her a butterfly balloon, and a hula hoop! I am so excited to teach her to hula hoop.  And in order to teach her to hula hoop, I have to buy myself a hula hoop!! I'm so excited!!

R's baby shower was this last weekend.  It went really well, I was glad that I was able to share the day with her. I was really scared going to the shower, I wasn't sure how I would react.  Thankfully T went with me since it was coed.  He was a little uncomfortable at first, but after a little bit of time and a beer he loosened up.   She got a lot of really nice stuff.   I went over to her house yesterday to help her put some of the stuff together.  I put her swing and bouncer together.  And hooked up her monitor, and made sure that everything was secure.  They moved her due date back to July 12th. 

Look What I Can Do!!

Goodness it seems like it's been a long time since I have written.  There isn't much going on in my world so I guess that may be why I hadn't written. 

 

I am still hanging out with my friend R, they moved her due date up to July 7th.  She told me that she would call me when she went into labor.  Hopefully I will be able to get to her before she has her little boy.  Her baby shower is this coming weekend.  I am a little scared and a little nervous.  Her mom and I haven't always gotten along, and I don't blame her for not liking me much.  It is a co-ed shower, so T will be going with me, thankfully. 

 

T and I are out this month.  We had terrible timing, I wasn't much in the mood this month.  I think I have thrown in the towel.  I am ready for my Dr. appt.  I am ready to get this show on the road.  This month is weird.  I am not sad that we are out.  I am not upset this month.  I don't think there will be any tears when I get AF.  I just feel.... hmmm... I don't know how I feel.  Maybe content is the word I am looking for.  I just feel content.

 

I have been a busy girl lately.  I have been working like a mad woman and trying very hard to make sure the house stays clean and T stays fed.  Overall though, things are going well.  I have been spending some time with L and helping her with whatever I can with the wedding plans.  I have been trying to get up to see A, I think I will try this week at some point.  Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle this week.  I don't feel like driving all the way up there.  Who knows, I am sure I will change my mind. 

 

I feel like I am missing out on so much with A.  She has lost her two top teeth and she looks silly now.  She says she can't whistle good anymore.  She has her dance recital in a couple of weeks and I can't remember the last time I was so excited! I think she is going to do so well!!  She is the cutest little girl ever!

 

Oh so as for the title of my post!!! L and I made our first wedding cake!!! It was beautiful!!!  Both L and I are amazed that it turned out so well!!!

 

I am sure that we will most definitely be doing more wedding cakes in the near future! 

Whoo Hoo!! I Did It!

Well not yet, but I will be... next month.

I finally made a OB-gyn appointment for me.  I mean, its just a normal appointment, ya know, the one where I get felt up by a someone who has only been in the room for a few minutes.  I'm not really excited about it, but at the same time I am, I just want to get some answers, and start moving forward. I am hoping that she will answer some questions for me, maybe do some blood work, and we can get a referral for T to go get checked out. 

I'm ready for whatever this next step brings.  I am terrified, but I am ready.

Feeling Silly

I have to admit, I feel kinda silly for being so nervous.  I had lunch with R today, I don't know why I was so nervous.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I was afraid I would see her and cry, or that I would be jealous.  Or that she would complain about how hard it is.  But, she didn't.  I didn't cry, and I wasn't jealous.  We kinda picked up where we left off.  On our way to lunch we got to talking about her pregnancy. 

She started by telling me about how she was a step-mom to her boyfriends kids and then started wanting more.  Her and her boyfriend decided that they wanted to try to start a family of there own.  After trying for a few months and being 35 they decided that it was time to go to the Dr. Long story short, a lot of injections, medicated cycles, 2 successes and then 2 losses, she gave up.  They gave up, they gave up on each other, and started moving forward without each other.  Then one crazy night at the bar they got drunk, had sex and she got pregnant.  After the first couple of months of trying to make it work with him, she decided to go it alone, and move home.  Needless to say, I was shocked.  Never in my mind did I think that she would have gone through what I am going through.  Never in my mind did I think that she would understand.  Never in my mind did I think she would take my hand, look me in the eyes and tell me how sincerely sorry she was that I was going through this. 

I am glad that I went today, and that we sat and talked.  I am glad that we picked up where we seemed to have left off.  I know that she is going to be a good mom and she knows that I am going to be there for her and her little boy.  A little boy that I am so excited to meet now.