I'm a wife, a best friend, a daugther, a sister and an auntie, and soon to be a mommy. I'm a lover of makeup, nail polish, wine and all things beautiful. I am excited to be sharing our crazy journey with you all!
I finally made a OB-gyn appointment for me. I mean, its just a normal appointment, ya know, the one where I get felt up by a someone who has only been in the room for a few minutes. I'm not really excited about it, but at the same time I am, I just want to get some answers, and start moving forward. I am hoping that she will answer some questions for me, maybe do some blood work, and we can get a referral for T to go get checked out.
I'm ready for whatever this next step brings. I am terrified, but I am ready.
I have to admit, I feel kinda silly for being so nervous. I had lunch with R today, I don't know why I was so nervous. I didn't sleep well last night. I was afraid I would see her and cry, or that I would be jealous. Or that she would complain about how hard it is. But, she didn't. I didn't cry, and I wasn't jealous. We kinda picked up where we left off. On our way to lunch we got to talking about her pregnancy.
She started by telling me about how she was a step-mom to her boyfriends kids and then started wanting more. Her and her boyfriend decided that they wanted to try to start a family of there own. After trying for a few months and being 35 they decided that it was time to go to the Dr. Long story short, a lot of injections, medicated cycles, 2 successes and then 2 losses, she gave up. They gave up, they gave up on each other, and started moving forward without each other. Then one crazy night at the bar they got drunk, had sex and she got pregnant. After the first couple of months of trying to make it work with him, she decided to go it alone, and move home. Needless to say, I was shocked. Never in my mind did I think that she would have gone through what I am going through. Never in my mind did I think that she would understand. Never in my mind did I think she would take my hand, look me in the eyes and tell me how sincerely sorry she was that I was going through this.
I am glad that I went today, and that we sat and talked. I am glad that we picked up where we seemed to have left off. I know that she is going to be a good mom and she knows that I am going to be there for her and her little boy. A little boy that I am so excited to meet now.
I knew it was coming... I was prepared for it. I had my emotional crap day earlier in the week, when I took my frustration out on everyone in the world. I am very much aware of the fact that it's no ones fault, but you know what, I was pretty sure that at that point in time, their body was cooperating more then mine was.
Tomorrow I am going to go see a good friend of mine that is 8 months pregnant. I am not going to lie, I am nervous as hell. I don't think it will go bad, I am almost certain that we are going to talk a lot. I know we have a lot of catching up to do. I know she is going to ask me about kids and why we don't have any yet. And I know I have a lot of question for her too. Before, our conversations were always about our craziness in our twenties. I really don't think that is going to any of our topics.
On a good note, we received a nice little gift from T's mom. I have only met her twice, on both occasions I have spent a few days with her. T asked me to marry him without me meeting her. So when I met her I was worried that she wouldn't like me much. I am loud, and not nearly as politically correct as I am sure she would have liked him to end up with. But anyways, back to our little gift, we received a check from her for T to go get tested. We knew that she was sending something we just didn't know what exactly it was. I never would have thought that she would help us. I guess she doesn't mind that I am loud, or politically incorrect. I am glad. She is a wonderful lady and I wish we lived closer.
So yea, I don't really know where we go from here. I know that T needs to get a referral, either from my Dr. or from his. I know that I need to find me an OB-GYN and go get some of the normal testing done. I need to get blood work done and talk to a Dr. about us trying. I am scared as hell to get tested, but I need some sort of answers. This constant hamster wheel is going to kill me. I think we are going to try one more month, and then he will get tested. I know he has to go to a follow up appointment in a month or so, so that may be a good opportunity for him to talk to his Dr.
So that's about all that is going on..... nothing really. Same shit different month I guess.
D proposed Saturday morning and I found Saturday afternoon!!! Her ring is GORGEOUS!!! I can not wait to start planning! So much for not having nothing to distract me huh?? I'm so outrageously excited!!!
I don't really have much to say. I have no idea where I am in my cycle. I know that I am in my FW, I just don't know anything. I feel frustrated this month. I have nothing to focus on except baby stuff. So now here I am, not looking for a house, no longer planning a Birthday party, feeling frustrated because I don't have anything to focus on. Except of course having a freaking baby, or in my case not having a freaking baby! So now here I am.... going around in circles again.
I had a terrible dream the other night. I dreamt that I was in a room full of new moms. Except I was the only one with out a new baby. They kept handing me their new babies, and telling me how wonderful it was to be a mom. I was crying and telling them that I couldn't take anymore, but more babies kept on coming. I know it was just a dream, but it put me in a funk for the rest of the day. I woke up feeling lost and alone, and I hate that feeling. Because I know better. I know for sure that I am not lost, and I am damned certain that I am not alone.
My friend from way back invited me to her baby shower. I haven't talked to her in ages. We used to hang out all the time close down the bar and then go hiking. We would go hiking in our crazy outfits from that night. Most of the time we were in our heels and drunk as hell, how we didn't kill ourselves or anyone else, is amazing to me. I had the best times with her. Anyways, we lost touch for a couple of years when she moved away. And then she came back and we got together for a couple of dinners but then lost track of each other again. I knew that she was pregnant, but I didn't know that she had moved back into town until she shot me a text a few months ago. But since my work schedule has been an ass I haven't been able to sit down with her and talk. She invited both T and I to her shower, and I think I will go, I am not to sure if T will go, but I will go. I am going to try to get together with her before hand. I want to catch up with her and stuff without the prying ears of her family.
Gah! Speaking of my work schedule, I am seriously not to happy right now. T has the next week off at work and guess who is working her ass off?!?! That would be me!!! I am working 6 days, all nights and all long days. I have one day off next week and its at the beginning of T vacation. So I guess we will just have to make the best of our day together! I can't complain to much because I do get to sleep in with him. And that doesn't happen to often. So I guess I will take what I can get! But I am pretty sure that my nights of working late are coming to an end soon. I miss my husband. I don't see him as often as I should. But, I suppose this is just one more step to owning a house, and one more step to getting my next raise. So I will take what I can get I guess.
At some point or another I have lost track. We have tried some months and then not others and to be completely honest, I can't remember what months we tried and what months we didn't. I try to keep track with fertility friend but, I get so frustrated. We are still "not trying." We will probably be on this road for a couple more months. I do have to admit that its been nice to not really think about it. We went out with L and D last weekend and had a wonderful time. L said that it was a nice change of pace for us not to be arguing and bickering at all. She said that she saw a side of T and I that she hadn't seen in a while. So we will keep pushing forward on this path for a bit and see where it goes. And then if we are still not pregnant by the time T has his follow up appointment for his meds then we will discuss a SA with his Dr.
L's Dirty 30 Colorama Bowling Party is this coming weekend. I am so super excited and can't wait to see everyone. I just have to get through this next week and then its party like a rock star!!! I work Sunday thru Thursday and then I am off for 3 days. Friday I am baking cupcakes and getting pedicures with the girls! Saturday I am frosting cupcakes and getting ready for the party. Since L is the only one of us girls that was born in the 80's, we decided that this party was going to be 80's theme. Which means leg warmers, stretch pants, big bangs, fluorescent colors, and craziness.
I think I am going to start baking. I am going to start small with cupcakes. I am making cupcakes for L's birthday. I did a run through on the recipe that I have and made sure that I could pipe frosting. I went to the craft store and actually purchased piping bags and a tip. So I made funfetti cupcakes with pink frosting. They are freakin fantastically yummy. I used box cake but I added some stuff to it to make it taste like home made cake. I'll have pictures of the ones from this next weekend. I don't have any good ones from this last go! I have started pinning cupcake recipes that if I get the go ahead from T I will start baking cupcakes soon!
We have put house hunting on hold for a little bit. Probably till the end of June. I have made T promise that if we get pregnant before then that we will still continue to find us a home. I don't want to bring a baby back to this house. I don't like the fact that every week its a different thing wrong. Last week T pulled the screen door of its hinges. Which at the time I thought was remarkably funny. But he was for sure not laughing at all!!! I am still looking at homes, but I know that we can't buy anything anytime soon. But it is still nice to look and to see what is out there.
I guess that is all that is going on with us. This post took 3 days to write. Which I guess means I didn't really have nearly as much to say as I thought I did.
We are alive! We have had some hiccups the last couple weeks, but we are alive!
I am awaiting the arrival of AF, if she isn't here tomorrow morning then I will be POAS, knowing full well that it will most likely be negative.
We are praying for all of those that are in or around Boston. Those who have been injured or have loved ones that have been injured and those who have been killed in this horrific act. It scares me to death, and it makes my heart extremely heavy. I am sure those responsible will be held accountable. I am reminded that I really need to stop, and smell the roses. To tell my loved ones that they are in fact, loved.
