Not TTC, Not TTA

Well, this weeks has pretty much sucked ass.  I have been a huge emotional mess.  I have been crying off and on all week.  Two days ago, T and I couldn't get in the mood.  I was frustrated with my OPK's I couldn't get a matching line, but all other signs were pointing to O.  So I started crying.  I was just wanting T to listen to me.  I wasn't asking him to fix the problem, I just wanted him to hear me.  It was definitely not one of his finer moments.  He told me I had a tendency to over react.  Which to me, sounded like he was telling me I was over reacting.  So I walked away before I said something hurtful. 

Yesterday was a long day.  I worked a long day, and was supposed to come home and try again.  All I wanted to do was have a glass of wine, and relax.  T asked to talk for a little bit, and I got what I needed to say out.  Basically, we decided that it was better for us to not try anymore, and to get healthy.  And to focus on our health and getting back into shape.  I didn't realize that I was starting to blame, and recent him.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to start a family like that.  When we get pregnant, I don't want to feel relief, I want to be excited. 

I told T that I felt like we weren't trying hard enough.  We kept talking about being healthy, and doing this and that.  But we weren't taking the initiative to actually do it.  We kept saying we were going to go to the gym but we wouldn't go.  Or saying that we were going to eat smaller portions and not.  Or we were going to have sex more then once or twice, and then not.  I felt like I was literally on a hamster wheel, going absolutely nowhere.

So that is where we are at now.  We are going to just see what happens, and focus on us.  We are going to start working out, and eating healthy.  I went to the gym today, and walked two miles.  I was surprised that it didn't take that long and I didn't feel like I really had to work for it.  I am going to try to keep going to the gym, and hopefully T and I will start seeing some results soon.

I have a huge weekend planned for T's birthday.  I am excited to have the weekend off with him, and an extra day to snuggle.  T turns 40 on Monday, so there will be a small celebration on Sunday for him.  He isn't to excited about it, but it is just a small group of us married friends.  Saturday I have a huge day planned for him.  We are going to go golfing, and hiking.  I am sure he won't be to pleased with the hiking part, but the golfing will be good for us.  I am taking him back to the small town I grew up in.  As much as I think it will be good for us to get out into the fresh air a little.  I want to go back and see my childhood home.  And show him that at one point in my life, I could get dirty!