Damn It!!!

CD 11 - Am I going crazy?!?!

I feel like I am.  I feel like I am on a hamster wheel... going absolutely effin NO WHERE!!!

I feel like we aren't trying hard enough, like I could be doing more.  I should be temping, we should be going to the gym, we should be eating better, but you know what?  We don't!  And damn it it's pissing me off!!! T has high blood pressure, and sometimes it makes things... difficult, but do you think we have tried to fix it? No. We only usually get one day in during my FW, but do you think we have tried to make more time? No.  If we can't put forth the effort to create a family, the what the hell are we doing?  Why the hell are we here? Why have we put us through this?!? Why the hell can't we get it right?!? Damn it!!

I don't know how much longer I can do this... I feel like maybe we should stop and fix T's health, and really get things on track.  But, what if that takes a year?  T is going to be 40 in a week.  What if he decides that 40 is too old?  What if.... what if.... what if we don't make it through this?  I have never once doubted us, why am I doing it now.  I think we need to stop.  I think we need to get healthy.  I'm so scared to stop.  I am so scared to quit.  But, I'm so scared to keep going.  I'm scared I am either A: going to loose my mind, or B: I'm going to loose my husband.

I have always gotten clear lines on my OPK's, but these last few months, I haven't.  That isn't making this any better.  And now that I am not getting any clear OPK's,  I think I missed this month. And after the fight we had, I don't really feel like even trying.