I am feeling a little bit not okay today, kind of like I am
running in circles and not getting anywhere.
I felt like I needed to start a blog about this journey that T
and I are on. That we have been on for
what feels like forever, I know it hasn’t been forever. I know there are some couples out there that
have been on this journey for years.
Here is a little bit of our back story:
T and I have been together since 2007. We met at a mutual friends BBQ. We were introduced and I shook his hand, and walked away. I had seen in movies, where a couple meets and there is a spark when they touch, well, there was a spark. I walked away thinking to myself "WOW, did I just feel that?" I turned to my girlfriend and told her that I wanted to know him better. We started dating and spending every minute of every day together. In late 2008 we decided that we would move in together, which was both scary and exciting for me. I was terrified. In 2009, I had my IUD (Mirena) taken out and we decided we were going to wing it, just see what happens. 4 years after met in October of 2011, on a beautiful fall day, we said "I Do" in front of 100 of our closest friends and family. Married by his best friend it was pretty much perfect. Shortly after we were married, we decided that it was time for us to start a family. Thinking it was going to be easy, thinking that if we have sex at the right time of the month we would be pregnant quickly. This brings us to now, we have been trying now for 16 cycles, and 14 months. Never in my mind did I think that 1 year later we would still be trying to have a child. We use OPK's every month, to catch my LH surge, and then we have sex. This struggle has been crazy, and T has been great with it. It has brought us closer and has made our relationship stronger. But I'll tell ya, I would never wish this upon anyone.
Here is a little bit of our back story:
T and I have been together since 2007. We met at a mutual friends BBQ. We were introduced and I shook his hand, and walked away. I had seen in movies, where a couple meets and there is a spark when they touch, well, there was a spark. I walked away thinking to myself "WOW, did I just feel that?" I turned to my girlfriend and told her that I wanted to know him better. We started dating and spending every minute of every day together. In late 2008 we decided that we would move in together, which was both scary and exciting for me. I was terrified. In 2009, I had my IUD (Mirena) taken out and we decided we were going to wing it, just see what happens. 4 years after met in October of 2011, on a beautiful fall day, we said "I Do" in front of 100 of our closest friends and family. Married by his best friend it was pretty much perfect. Shortly after we were married, we decided that it was time for us to start a family. Thinking it was going to be easy, thinking that if we have sex at the right time of the month we would be pregnant quickly. This brings us to now, we have been trying now for 16 cycles, and 14 months. Never in my mind did I think that 1 year later we would still be trying to have a child. We use OPK's every month, to catch my LH surge, and then we have sex. This struggle has been crazy, and T has been great with it. It has brought us closer and has made our relationship stronger. But I'll tell ya, I would never wish this upon anyone.
I am finding my Faith, which I didn’t know I was looking for
until I found myself praying, a lot. I
am not just praying for a baby, I am praying for the girl on the board, that they will have strength for their journey. I
find myself praying for my husband, that he can find the strength to put up
with my “crazy”. I pray for my own
strength, strength that when I am sad I need to keep going, I pray that I
haven’t messed anything up with my choices.
I pray that I haven’t waited too long.
When in fact waiting, was exactly what I was supposed to do. God wouldn’t give me any obstacle that I
didn’t have the strength to get through.
I have to remember that.
I just feel like I am losing hope. The months before this one haven’t been like
this. I have no motivation to POAS to see if my lines match.
But, if I don’t POAS, then how will I know when T and I should have sex. My lines matched today, and
again I am feeling like I don’t care, but I do care. I just don’t know if I want to do anything
about it. T is sick so I want him to
just sleep and feel better.
T and I are both going to quit smoking
soon, but I don’t want to. I feel like that is the one thing that keeps
me somewhat sane. How bad is that, I
don’t even want to quit so I can have a child. I’m not even a mom yet and I’m
already a terrible one. We both just
need to commit to quitting, if he does it with me then I think I can do it, and
be done with it. But, getting him to do
it with me is a chore.
So oddly enough, I am feeling a little better. I think the writing and the wine is
helping. I did yoga for the first time
ever today. It was a nice way to start
the morning. Can’t say I will continue
to do it, since again, I suck at committing to things. I am going to try
to write a little, when I am feeling down.
I think it will help me get things straight in my head and keep me from
feeling like I am nuts. Not like writing
to know one is really going to help. But,
at least it’s a start. I have plenty of
time to write after T goes to bed, so I don’t see why I can’t try to clear
out my head before I go to sleep. That
is what this feels like. Emptying out my
head, relieving all the stress, I like emptying out my head. Maybe I’ll sleep better. Doubtful, but one can hope.
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