Relief

I am relieved that we aren’t trying this month, and I kind of feel bad about that.  I guess I didn’t realize how crazy I was until we actually took the time to take a break.  I feel like next month we will both be refreshed and ready to start again. 

I am also glad that we aren’t trying because both of us are sick again.  T has a bug that is making him feel bad and I am all sorts of nauseous.  Its super fantastic, let me tell ya.  I didn’t sleep well last night, for some odd reason I couldn’t get my brain to shut off.  Which made today an outrageously long day, I can definitely see myself sleeping all day tomorrow.

I never thought I would put this in a blog, and I definitely don't ever expect anyone to read this, but, I think it will help me deal with the fact that at some point, we are going to have to get help getting pregnant.  And when that time comes, I will continue to document our journey.

I hate it when T gets sick.  I never know if it’s because he is actually sick or if it is because his blood pressure is high.  He doesn’t communicate too well when he is sick, so it kind of hard to decipher.  It is kind of like talking to a kid… “What hurts?” “I don’t know… everything.” “Well I can’t fix it if I don’t know what is wrong with you, so when you figure it out, let me know.”

It was my mom’s birthday party tonight, it was just my folks, sister, my aunt and uncle and I.  We started talking about A, and I know they wanted to ask when T and I were going to expand our family.  I felt a little pang of, not necessarily jealousy, but what was, not regret, because I don’t really regret any decisions that we have made.  Maybe a pang of yearning, I wanted to give them news, I wanted to tell them that we were expecting, I wanted to tell them that we would be pregnant soon, but alas, I can’t, because nothing is never that easy. 

I think that is the part that frustrates me the most.  I want to give A a cousin, so bad.  I want her to grow up with a cousin that is as close to her as I am with my cousins.  I think A being an only child I feel she needs another person to count on.  I guess, the farther they are in age the easier it will be for me to have a babysitter.  I guess I can think of it that way instead of the other way. 

Maybe that is my problem.  I want to give everyone else a baby.  Maybe I need to change how I think about things.  I need to think differently, everyone will have a baby when I have one.  It will happen when it does, and I can’t make it happen any faster than it is supposed to.   The TTGP gals are so wise, I don't participate as much as I would like. Just today they were telling someone that found out another friend was pregnant that just because everyone else gets pregnant before you, doesn’t mean there is one less baby in the world for you.  These are words I need to remember and repeat to myself when I am feeling down.  When I am feeling sad, or frustrated, this is what I need to remember.

I am excited for our next cycle.  I think I may be more excited about going in with a clearer head than anything else.  I am definitely thinking that by next month I will be refreshed and ready to start again.  Because I know, once we start up again, it isn’t going to be any easier than it was the first 15 cycles.  But hopefully, we will have a new plan on what we will be doing, and where we will be going.